How to Tell Your Loved Ones You’re Eloping, Without Letting Them Talk You Out of It.

The decision to elope was so easy for you and your partner because you feel deeply connected to the reasons that led you here … but now there is the pressure and nerves that come with telling your loved ones.

Telling your loved ones about your decision can start to feel complicated and maybe even scary because you care about how they feel. But, it’s important to remember that this is your relationship, and you don’t need other’s opinions on how you decide to get married.

So read along to find out how you can do this in a way that’s kind, thoughtful, and doesn’t leave room for anyone to talk you out of your decision.

Before the conversation, take time to get prepared.

If you’re feeling nervous about this conversation it’s likely that you are expecting the person/people that you’re telling not to understand your decision in eloping. To make sure you’re feeling prepared for this, do the following with your partner:

• Write a list of the reasons why this decision is best for your relationship. (You’ll want to bring this with you to the conversation! You’ll see more on this later.)
• Think about if you’re planning to include your loved ones in your elopement. This could be through photos, video, writing letters to read on your elopement day, etc. (I have a full post on how you can include your loved ones in your elopement day here)

Now it’s time to plan a chat!

First off, please don’t plan to do this in a text or email.

I know it’s tempting to just type it out because it feels easier than having to face those emotions in person, but if you actually care about these relationships you can better show this by picking up the phone, FaceTime, or seeing them in person.

In person conversations might feel bigger at first, but they also give you time together to work through understanding each other’s feelings. For example, they might react immediately with a “wait, what? why??” but because you’re in person with them you can stay, sit, and actually talk it through & the energy will usually soften and the shock will start to wear off. You’ll get an authentic conversation out of it rather than a reaction alone.

Honestly, sharing this time together can be the difference between someone sitting in hurt feelings versus them eventually understanding.

Come from a place of love, but don’t apologize for your decision.

You didn’t do anything wrong, so it’s important to not lead with an “I’m sorry”. This can come off as apologizing for making a mistake… and we don’t want that. 

Instead, try saying:

• “We love you and wanted to share this with you.”
• “You’re really important to us, so it felt right to tell you personally”

These are thoughtful ways to introduce your decision without giving off the vibe of feeling guilt over your decision.

Make it clear that this is already decided on, not just an idea you have.

If you come into this conversation sounding unsure of your decision to elope, people will be more likely to treat it like an open ended discussion. Kinda like you’re wanting their opinions in order to solidify your choice. This is why it’s best to say it like you mean it!

Instead of saying things like “We might” & “We’re thinking about” you can say it in a way that is solidified in your choice like:

• “We’ve decided to elope.”
• “We’re having a really intimate ceremony with just the two of us.”

The second you say those words (might & thinking about) you’re opening the door for them to press their opinions onto you & a lot of people will take the opportunity to do so.

Time to pull out your list of reasons

To help your loved one understand the place you’re coming from you can share the reasons that made it clear for you. It can be nerve racking when you feel pressure to remember all of your reasons, so this is why it’s helpful to prepare beforehand and create a list! Before reading your list to them, ask to have this time to read your reasonings without any interruptions. 

Coming into this conversation prepared will help them understand that this decision is important to you, it’s not something you rushed through & you’ve really sat down and put in a lot of thought in your decision. Which means, your mind can’t be changed on this.

Let them have feelings without making it your problem

Once you tell them your decision they might be surprised, feel left out, maybe even get a little dramatic about it. But, that doesn’t mean you need to fix it. 

Here are some things you can say if you want to be there for their emotions:

• “I get why you’d feel that way.”
• “I hear you.”

But after you do this, stay right where you are in your decision. Remember that you’re not responsible for managing everyone else’s expectations.

If they still try to sway you

Because at some point, someone might try to with their  “Well what if you just”, “Have you thought about”, “You should really”…

Respond to them with these calm, clear responses that leave no wiggle room:

• “We’ve really thought this through, and we feel good about it.”
• “We’re not planning to change anything, but we really hope you can support us.”

If you and your partner decided to include your loved ones in your elopement day somehow, mention it now

Most of your loved ones just don’t want to feel excluded.

So mention to them the ways you and your partner would like them to be part of your elopement. They don’t need a seat at your ceremony to still feel included in your life.

Click here to read the blog on the different ways you can include your loved ones from afar!

My message to you

If eloping is what feels right for you… do it! The people who love you might need a minute to wrap their heads around your decision, but they’ll come around, and even if they don’t right away… that still doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. 🫶🏻

You can be thoughtful and kind, but you do not need to be swayed in order to people please. You & your partner are the priority here!